So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
