i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
