your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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