My liver just broke up with me...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
