Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
