Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i think i have herpe
just one?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
