I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
