I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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