I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
