sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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