Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
