did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
