Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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