Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
pray to the hookup gods
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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