I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
