It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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