Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
