when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
