I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
