I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
