im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
