I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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