life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
