This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
