I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
