you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
