Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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