my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
