I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
