the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
