I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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