Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
