my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Randomize
