Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
