Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
