sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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