Someone shit on the floor
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
