so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
