I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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