if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
