Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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