After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
