By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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