You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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