I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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