Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
