wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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