Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
