Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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