I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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